Afternoon:
Monday, March 3, 2008 at 1:55PM Hello. Its been a long while since I've written words to this space. To be blatantly honest, which I find more and more is not the easiest, but it ultimately the best policy, I have not been doing well. Even now as I write I am feeling the symptoms of overwhelming anxiety-- shortness of breath, muscle tension, and chest pain. These symptoms, among other, have been my constant companion as of late. I feel ashamed of them, and have not really gone into great detail with anyone about how they are affecting me. Physically, it seems, my body is dealing with something my mind cannot. There is a separation between the two, a definite dichotomy and I worry about this. I understand mentally that something is not all right, and my body is coping the best it knows how. I have been enduring a constant state of anxiety, which as I have read is a constant state of fight or flight. It seems action would be a logical response to this, but I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. To be blunt.
I am lost, I think. It seems that I have reached a point in my life where certain decision need to be made, a turning point of sorts. And yet, I am immobilized with fear and I don't know where to go to find sanctuary, it seems that these overwhelming emotions of displacement follow me wherever, through whatever I am doing. The need for solitude has been overwhelming here lately. I can feel it in ever molecule in my body. The need to be alone. All alone. Just me and the space I abide in. And I feel guilty for this as well. Society, as it stands, does not offer much grace. And the need to be alone is something that is frowned upon. You are shirking responsibilities if you need to be alone, you are running away, you are letting someone who needs you down. And yet, I feel that I may go crazy if I do not find some solitude soon, because I need to be with myself, I need to take responsibility for myself, I need to run to myself.
So, now I see, I have been in a sort of denial. I have had that answer of sanctuary all along-- solitude. But what do I do with that, how do I act upon that responsibly? I can't just run away. I do have those responsibilities that cannot be shirked, I do have people to care for. What do I do? Has anyone out there felt these things before. Does anyone have any advice? I am hurting, and this has been hard to admit, and I believe the depth of this pain is something I cannot fully come to terms with at the moment. I am asking for help.
Reader Comments (7)
Hard as it is to do, you may just have to go on strike from the world (As much as possible, at least!) for a while. I miss ya, and love ya, and it hurts me so to see you down like this...any way you can blow it all off for an extended weekend, go off with your lovely husband, and have a camping trip in a beautiful place? Or some other such escape?
I want to be able to give some more helpful advice. I get to feeling the same way at times, but copious amounts of cuddling (among other things) and chocolate usually act as a band-aid.
And if you really need some alone time, then F it, just go be alone for a while! I'd make sure though, that it's not the negative sort of alone time. e.g. lying in bed for four days straight. Anything, even a *destructive* anything, is better than that. Thrift some 25-cent dishware and bust it up, or have a bonfire--something like that.
It has helped me, in the past, and may help you, to make like Fight Club and destroy something beautiful. Just don't get in trouble for it.
oh dear, oh dear.
this makes me ache.
I know this need for solitude, it has blue eyes and an endless pit for a mouth.
I think, while running away is something that I hold dear to my heart, and certainly has a function, it wouldn't be the answer to your problems.
And unromanticized as it may sound, god is in the details, and truth is in the action.
make an inventory, try to pinpoint what bothers you, if anything. Locating the problem makes it so much easier to cope with.
sometimes even the smallest of actions kill a lurking depression dead.
hugs for you, and that wild hippy hairdo of yours.
this may be right down your road.
http://www.wewillallbewell.com/
There is nothing wrong with solitude. Space for yourself is important, but so is balance.
I think it's good to feel that something is needed, or that you're at a turning point, or a time for change. That means you're growing (cheesy as it sounds). A lot of people don't recognize that in themselves.
Drink some tea, go for a walk, write pretty words.
there are so many things i'd like to say, but i don't think i can really formulate my thoughts in an articulate manner.
basically? taking time out for yourself is important. and despite what modern psychology might hold, there isn't anything wrong with solitude. to everything there is a season. (turn turn turn).
if you can, get away from everybody for awhile. it might give you some clarity.
just let me know if there's anything i can do to help.
i love you! ;)
you are so courageous and beautiful! thanks for sharing this. I have been here...I visit that same space every so often.
Lately, the most therapeutic thing I can do for myself is to find some way to create...be it writing, or spending time with a camera, or picking up some paint and a canvas....whatever works where I can get my thoughts OUT and let them breathe.
i also think that it is important to listen to your instinct. you probably know what you need in your depths...and listening is usually where I get my hang ups. What helps me in this area is creating the space to be alone...get some body work done...be with your body, with your mind, with your spirit...and let it all come together. it might be overwhelming at first, but it also might give you the space you need to "hear" what is going on.
thinking of you and sending you light and love!