Hello Love,
Hard times are coming on, huh? They're coming on and they have been coming on for quite awhile now, I suppose. When I look back to see where this all began I understand that these times of trial haven't always been with us, it just feels like they've been around for quite awhile. Really though, its only been a few months. These cold months. Really, I would attest that it all started getting bleak as the temperature dropped, as the sun decided not to shine quite as much. And the cold itself, it makes everything harder. Living, just living, has been so complicated. I have to have a rousing pep-talk with myself before attempting to attain the smallest of goals-- getting out of bed, doing the dishes, figuring out dinner. I'm not sure about you, but I have the sneaking suspicion that things carry this tinge of heaviness for you as well.
We don't laugh like we used to, giggling on the bed before sleep, giggling in the middle of a crowd because of an inside joke. It is hard to laugh now, it is harder still to find the joy in life. Surely amidst its harshness there is still joy there. Surely? There must be a way for us to laugh again. A way to escape the woes of this world and be happy in what we do have. We do have each other, and that is monumental.
Last night when we were walking out of Taco Bell, stepping quietly through the loud gaggle of sorority girls that had just invaded. As I was walking past their perfect white mouth, golden tan skin, and bleach blonde hair, as I was walking past with my dreadlocked hair, my dark-rimmed glasses, and the critical eye I look to the world with I felt confident. Truly, confident. That may not seem to be that major, but let me assure you, it is. Major. Confidence has never been my fortitude. I am meek, that is my strength. I speak quietly, and I observe. I appreciate those things about myself. However, in meekness it is often easy to acquire a bit of insecurity, and I have struggled with that my whole life. Thinking others have it more figured out than me, thinking others are better than me, almost always. But then last night, in the middle of a crowd of women the world so often labels as beautiful, and moreover, the right way to be, I glided by with an internal peace in who I am, in how I am beautiful. This is largely due to you, and the way you have loved me. At first, for what you saw in my eyes, and then for what you knew lay behind my eyes, and now as I journey through the depths of finding who I am you still love me. You still say that I am beautiful, though I have changed externally the way I look, though my views are evolving. You still love me so wholeheartedly and I am not sure you know what that means to me.
As I walked past those girls last night, with you following me. I felt such confidence, and security. You, my husband, following me, always with me, even if in spirit, offered me such a sense of where we are truly at. During these difficult times, when every single thing seems up in the air, where as of now we must find a new home by April 3rd, and we don't understand pretty much anything about our lives or this world, we do have each other. For better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, we are one. Last night, I was able to speak the statement to you concerning how tired I am of feeling insecure, and now I realize that my security has never been in jeopardy. Yes, the house we are living in has been sold and we must move (yet again), yes the world we are living in is in shambles, yes our country is in a rattling state of turmoil. Those things though, they are so temporal, they are so flippant, a drop in the hat compared to what really matters. Love, really, is all that matters. And we are rich in love.
I will find my security in love. The love we share, the love of our family/friends, and ultimately the love of the Infinite Invisible.
And now, this is for you:

Sky full of birds in a flying V moving down through Tennessee they look a little like you and me you know. Car full of gas on the Natchez Trace changing lanes in the same old race to find some kind of warmer place to go. I don't know what we're running from but look how far we've come anyway.
Todd always says it better than me anyway, and this song in particular has always helped. Remember those times my anxiety gripped heavy and the whole world started disappearing, and Evan put this song on? Things slowed down. And the times when those attacks would come and you had to physically touch me and audibly speak to me, and things would slow down? You are my rock. We've been traveling our whole lives. Now we are simply traveling together, how lucky is that? I am convinced it is more than luck, we are blessed. And I'm not ever sure what we are running from, or, moreover, what we are running towards. But I know that our hearts are good, and we've come a long way. And I have faith that the warmer place we seek is in front of us. We just gotta keep moving.
Hey baby I ain't afraid to be your girl. I don't need a destination, I'm not waiting for a plan. Let's get out of here, I'll go anywhere with you.
I just want you to know, it doesn't matter to me what our life looks like. Where we make our home, or even how we make our home. I told you all those days ago, when you talked of living a nomad life-- I'll go with you. Wherever, however. I am yours and you are mine that is our home.
I've heard people say they had it made back some place where they wish they'd stayed, I'm still not afraid to take this chance. I've always thought there was something wrong with hangin' around one town too long workin' the same old worn out song and dance. I wanna dance to any drum we choose, we ain't got shit to lose either way.
I want to dance to any drum we choose. I don't want our lives to look like what the world tells us they're suppose to look like. I want our lives to be a manifestation of our hearts. I'm not afraid anymore. And really, we don't got shit to lose, I'm in it for the long haul baby. Wherever you go, I go. Just so you know. I love you.

Most Sincerely,
Me, your adoring wife.

For those who don't know. The italicized words are Todd Snider's and can be found in the song Anywhere.