South Dakota Badlands, by (my husband) Josh Bishop

So, this November is nearly over. Have I accomplished what I wished to accomplish with NaBloPoMo? Well, yes and no. I have posted every day this month with something that, in the years to come will act as a small window into what was going on in my daily life during November of 2008. None the less, I had grand visions of magnanimous prose being written in these days of sweet November. Alas, I have come to find that when I place a deadline on my creativity it tends to tuck its tail and nestle beneath layers of comfy blankets, begging me to snuggle with it on its terms, not my own. Also, this month has been ferociously busy with school, something that I am paying quite a load of money for, and therefore cannot shirk off.

Furthermore something has come up, or rather remained absent, this month that has left me in various states of bewilderment, sadness, and uncertainty. I have alluded to it in recent posts, but due to the sensitivity of the matter have not gone into any great detail. Today I feel somewhat ready to speak openly about something that has greatly been affecting my personal life.

I am not sure how to tread gingerly around the first few opening remarks of this story. So I will just be blatant, and honest. According to my calculations I was to start my monthly cycle on November 8th. November 8th came, went, and my body did not enter into the transformative phase that it does monthly. The first thoughts naturally led me to take a pregnancy test, which I did on my own, and then later at our local Planned Parenthood. Both tests came out negative. The second test I took at the clinic was 10 days after my missed period, and I had hoped it would offer me some much desired clarity. I held off my tears as I walked out to my car, and then let them flow freely. That was a Wednesday, last Wednesday, a sad day for me. It has now been a week since that day, and I have yet to start my cycle. I took another test today, to see what it would say, and once again it was negative. I was disappointed once again, but it did not render me incapable of interacting with the day.

There are some things I should clarify. Josh and I are  not consciously trying to conceive a child, though we have talked about our feelings on the matter from time to time. Mostly our attitude is whatever will be, will be. To be completely honest, over the last few months my heart has begun to open up to that desire. When being rational about the idea my mind understands that this seems to not be the right time for such a desire to be followed through with. On a global scale things are so uncertain, with daily talks of large scale financial crisis. In our personal lives those themes have trickled down and we are feeling a squeeze in our finances. Furthermore, I have just started school again and it takes so much of my time and energy. And yet, my heart still whispers about a desire to conceive.

Therefore, when my cycle became late I was rather hoping that the reason would be pregnancy. And now that it is almost for certain not, I am processing through quite a bit of unnerving emotion. It is a cause of concern to me that my body is out of sync. My mind daily runs through a tick sheet of what could be the cause of this. It could be a simply as stress, or as complex as underlying disorder in my system. I am trying to relax and let this be. As I have read plenty about how allowing further stress work in my body can just cause further delay. I suppose I will wait. Also, both Josh and I just got paid, so if need be I can make a visit to the doctor, though I am not sure if they could answer this question for me?

Please be gentle with me, as this was something rather difficult to write out. I felt it necessary to explain why, certain posts this month have been somewhat frivolous or such.