Sometimes you just have to take the leap and build your wings on the way down. - Kobi Yamada

Friday
19Jun

Opening up, being seen.

The Fragility of Being Open.

I'm headed to my first women's circle. Something I've dreamed about participating in for awhile now. I am kind of in awe that the opportunity has arisen for me to take part in something so sacred. These past few weeks have been rough, a lot of internal shifting has been taking place and most of the time I feel rather lost. This weekend is going to be very important I feel. I haven't really allowed myself to focus on how big this really is. And yet I know that I will be changed.

I offer this prayer:

Allow me to be opened and filled.

Allow me to be seen.

Allow me to be fragile and held.

Allow me to be.

Allow me to be transformed.

Sunday
07Jun

Self and Love

I love you so big.

All of the answers I seek lay deep inside of me.

Thursday
28May

The sharp bits. 

Surely, all of these thorns must lead to the opening up of some extraordinary beauty.

 At times there are challenges in life that seem nearly impossible to overcome with grace. These past two weeks have been full to the brim with lessons regarding these things. About two months ago Josh and I took a h-u-g-e leap of faith. We decided to leave our town of Kirksville, MO. where Josh had a steady full time job and I had a steady part time job. We felt drawn to Columbia, a larger community about an hour and a half south of where we were living. Columbia is where our midwife is located, as well as the home campus of the college I am currently attending. Columbia is also where Josh had lived before moving to Kirksville. Our hearts felt connected to Columbia in a way that they had not in Kirksville (not to say that our hearts are not indelibly connected to certain friends and family in Kirksville). In the the two years of our relationship Josh and I had dreamed of moving to Columbia, then sometime in the very early spring of this year something pushed us to take the leap.

We took this leap not knowing where we would land, and these last few weeks have been a tumultuous fall full of flailing and grasping for security that could not be obtained through concrete objects like monetary funds. Prior to last week I was utterly wrapped up in the completion of my school quarter, which offered distraction from the hardships at hand. The week after finals was an unravelling of sorts. All of the issues that I was able to zone out came rushing in and all around me. I felt drowned in uncertainties. Upon consideration of our finances we found that we had around $100 left of our savings, with no prospective income in sight (as Josh has not been able to find a job yet). This meant that we had no idea where our rent money would come from for the month of June, let alone how we would feed ourselves and the growing being inside of me. The reality of this hit me quite hard, I found myself, at least once a day for several days, climbing the stairs to our bedroom where I would nestle beneath the covers to sob out prayers. My prayers often times consisted of nothing more than "Please, please, please be with me Mama, please help us," because honestly I had no idea what else to say.

The isolation that I felt during these times was nearly unbearable. Every fear that hid beneath the surface would come to light and I felt utterly alone with the pervasive voices of negativity. I felt that I could not talk about these challenges we were facing for fear that we would be shamed and thought foolish, that statements like, "You knew that this could happen when you made this decision" would arise. I felt alienated from Josh because of the differences in our worldview and this led to some conflict in our relationship that exacerbated the emotional stress we were experiencing. I felt I had no where to turn except inside, which led me to my Divine Mother. She is me and I am her.

I took to writing a lot, with much fervent ferocity, and no formality. Scribbles of every thing that would run through my head as my pencil moved across the pages of my journal. I meditated at least once a day, and in a variety of ways. And I prayed, prayed, prayed, and cried A LOT. I sought guidance from the internet community I have grown to see as my network of wisdom. Posts would come along that spoke deeply, and so personally, to the situation in which I found myself. Most importantly I allowed myself to accept this hardness.

One of the themes that has come up in my journal quite frequently here lately is the idea of coming into my own, of claiming all of myself and my experiences. I have felt the need to embrace not only my beautiful, graceful parts-- those parts I allow and hope others see, but also to gently love and cradle the messy, tumultuous, often hidden parts of myself and my experiences. These last two weeks have allowed me to explore these lessons with much intensity and depth. I can honestly say with my whole heart, I am learning so much.

I truly believe that all of these sharp bits in life lead to a beautiful blossoming of something extraordinary. I have faith in that. It is as Christine Kane says,

There's not a single thing that's turned out
Quite like I intended
And so you learn that holding on
Is nothing less than panic
When big things fall apart
Then hearts get that much more gigantic

I am going to keep telling my story, no matter how messy it gets. And I just want to say thank you for listening, I love you dearly and would be delighted to experience your stories with you if you would care to share.

Friday
15May

Close to home.

Bamboo chimes & rose bush diptych: Our front porch, Columbia MO.

The sky has been speaking of rain, all the day long.
And just now, the first few drops whispered down from the heavens.
It was with such gentleness that they came, my heart skipped a beat.
Beauty has that affect on me.

From my bedroom window I look upon our street, quiet in the evening, only the birds sing.
I believe they are telling tales of the flowering white tree our view shares.
Its petals dance along the breeze, which carries the fragrance of purple popsicles and hope.

Thursday
14May

Eight Things: Self Care Essentials

 When I read Magpie Girl's *8 Things post this week I felt compelled to participate. As I mentioned in my last post this is finals week. My stress level is exacerbated by finals. Sometimes it is all I can do to stay grounded and trusting in the goodness that is all around me. Stress from school tends to affect my emotions in a way that I am not proud of, I tend to get incredibly bitter, all the little things that on a normal day I could process through with no problems seem to come to culminate in what Anne Lamott would describe as "Mental Illness." As I navigate through my education career I have become more and more aware of these patterns and am slowly becoming better equipped at dealing with them in a healthy and positive manner. One B-I-G way for me to gently take care of myself when my stress gets high like this is to part-take in self care. I have come to see that this is of the utmost importance for my wellbeing, as well as the wellbeing of those around me (including the wee babe inside of me). Here are my top eight self care essentials, in no particular order:

  1. Meditation- These last three days I have meditated at least once a day, and each day has been different! The first two times it was right before bed, so I could slow down my mind to sleep. Yesterday it was in the middle of the day. I was having trouble focusing on getting started on my final paper for South Asian Culture & Society, so I revisited a lesson Goddess Leonie taught during my Creative Goddess eCourse a few months ago. It was all about Sacred Stucknesses, and it was just exactly what I needed!
    As I mentioned, each time I meditate it is different. I start by sitting quietly, sometime with some music or white noise sounds, and then I listen to what my heart is sharing with me. Sometimes it is saying to use a mantra, sometimes a self-affirmation, sometimes to focus on my breath, sometimes to just listen. Whatever it is, I try to acquiesce. Here is a great piece on breaking out and breaking through to a meditation that works for you!
  2. Mother Nature- It is incredibly important to my all around health and wellbeing to partake in some aspect of Mother Nature at least once a day. This can be as simple as walking the dogs around the block or focusing my camera on some minute aspect of beauty I see. Sometimes it is an all day jaunt to an enchanted woods or river (those are especially healing days). If I stay cooped up in the house too long I get really angsty and grumpy!
  3. Water- Water is so cleansing. I read a piece by Anne Lamott, in Grace Eventually, that stated when she was feeling some emotional hardship she drank more water because it "moves things" (p. 130). This has stayed with me, and when I feel particularly stuck about something I up my water dosage. It simple and good.
  4. Rest- As my body is changing with pregnancy I am becoming more and more aware of its need for rest. Before I was growing a baby I could ignore things like tiredness, maybe pass over them with some caffeine even. Now there is not way around this physiological reminder that I must regenerate. Rest is key to my wellbeing, whether it be going to sleep earlier, sleeping in later, or taking a nap through the day. I must listen to my body, or else I reap uncomfortable consequences like achy, grumpy bones and a sour mind.
  5. Journaling- Journaling has saved my life in the past month. There have been particularly rough days where I take my journal wherever I go and write everything that comes to mind. Sometimes the only way through is to get it all out.
  6. Creative Work- This can be big or small, loud or quiet, complex or simple. Anything that allows the right side of my brain to work. Being in school causes me left-brain-overload. Sometimes it just takes editing a photograph or doodling a picture to get me back to some sort of level.
  7. Talk Time- I internalize, A LOT, and this is very detrimental to my wellbeing. I have to consciously be aware of creating safe times to talk things out with Josh, even if the issues seems small, if I keep them inside too long they get REALLY BIG. And when they get REALLY BIG I'm in danger of holding them in longer, because they seem too intimidating to deal with, and then they get UNBEARABLE! So, daily talk times are important, keep the little stuff little.
  8. Grace- Grace is such a fluid concept but to me it has come to mean a gentle way in which I talk to myself. As a recovering perfectionist I tend to be really, really hard on myself. I am learning a new way to communicate to me, which involves gentle understanding. For example, yesterday while working on my final paper there were times when I would have to take a break-- get a snack, read a blog, daydream a little. If I were talking to myself the way I used too, I would berate these actions, I would feel shameful for not focusing 100% on my paper, I would feel like a bad person. Yesterday I recognized that I needed a break from studying and I gracefully accepted if I allowed myself this time I would be able to focus better, be in a better mindset, when I came back to working on my paper.

So, these are some of my self care essentials! I'd love to hear some of yours. Play along with Magpie Girl.