Beddy-bed-bed. Where we spend a lot of time.

The development of Arlo’s eczema has led me to an intriguing space of self-examination and contemplation coupled with activism and motivation. Arlo is exclusively breastfed and therefore with the suspicion that this skin condition is dietary my eating habits have changed drastically. I have cut out all dairy and gluten from my diet, as well as eggs and soy. Furthermore, I have been trying to eat a diet rich in alkaline foods, while avoiding acidic substances (good by chocolates and dessert). In the changing of my diet I have come to observe all the more closely my relationship with food. I must be honest. Those first few days were steeped in cravings and rage. My head split from withdraw as my emotions whirled about blaming and lamenting how hard these sacrifices were. Through the fog I began to notice my eating habits were not centered around mindfulness and nutrition, but around security, comfort, reward, and pleasure. Food helped me check out, eased the discomfort of a hard days mama-ing, gave me something to do with my hands when I was feeling insecure. Food was often the easy way out.

My current phase in this eating evolution is that of frustration, irritation, and hope. Being this restricted is difficult. I am trying to focus on the foods I can eat rather than dwell on those I will not eat. And yet many times I am driven to irritation at how complex meal planning has become. I used to take pleasure in cooking, it was an escape. I suppose a perspective shift is in order, I can choose to enjoy this new territory, look at it as an adventure. I foresee more research. I am hopeful that this healthful shift will benefit not only my son, but me as well. Truly how can I be bitter when I can clearly see through all the information that I have absorbed that this new path is much more nourishing than that which I previously treaded? 

My days have been filled with research. Trying to glean pertinent information about eczema, a condition that is characterized by many interpretations, treatments, and unanswered questions. I have found a couple of good online resources, and I have many friends who are nutritional-healing minded like me who have offered up suggestions. On top of changing my diet I have also implements the use of some supplements for both me and Arlo. Every time Arlo nurses he gets a small dose of digestive enzymes, he enjoys taking them and opens his mouth so I can sprinkle the powder on his tongue. 

All in all Arlo’s skin shows signs of healing. He, himself, is feeling better, which is evident in his demeanor and quirky sense of humor. 

As the stars have aligned, this spring cleansing has bled past the seams of my physical body and has been manifest in our home as well. Last week my parents came to visit and help me accomplish some much needed decluttering and cleaning. It was an amazing experience. I cannot even begin to express how invigorating it felt to sift through my material world, offering up piles of pruning to those in need. I felt physically lighter after it all. Furthermore, to allow my parents into this new space of mothering was healing. It is very difficult for me to allow myself to be seen, even by those closest to me. Yet those two days it all flowed so naturally (ah, that Pisces energy). I felt seen, and encouraged by the words spoken to me by my mother concerning my mothering. 

As space has been manifest in our home I have been feeling great surges of creative energy. Pieces I would like to write and create flower in my psyche. I now have a permanent space for my sewing machine. Also, every room now has a sweet little nest for Arlo, who has mastered the art of sitting up. 

It is spring, the robins have returned, and I feel the most beautiful soft green shoots of blessed life poking up through my heart, ready to be released to grow wildly in this great world. Winter’s looking within time will surely allow for much vibrancy in this coming season. 

so succinctly us.// Pinnacles Youth Park March 2010Pronunciation: \(ˌ)sək-ˈsiŋ(k)t, sə-ˈsiŋ(k)t\

Function: adjective

Etymology: Middle English, from Latin succinctus having one’s clothes gathered up by a belt, tightly wrapped, concise, from sub- + cinctus, past participle of cingere to gird — more at cincture

Date: 15th century

1 archaic a : being girded b : close-fitting

2 : marked by compact precise expression without wasted words <a succinct description>

synonyms see concise

— Merriam-Webster Dictionary.com

Photography by Joshua.

Our relationship is as such: he is hungry and my body feeds him, he is soiled and my hands change him, he is bored and my legs walk him, he is tired and my being comforts him. Now, the dynamic shifts and he is ill; my being seeks to heal him.

Healing is a creative effort. One must examine the situation, look beneath the surface. A determination must then be made, will the symptoms merely be treated or will energy be manipulated and redirected to heal the cause of dis-order?

So I examine, what is infant eczema? What could be the cause? There is a myriad of information, I sit at the computer clicking from one page to the next. I look at nutritional philosophies. I glean, sift, and catalog.

And now I’m exhausted. I can barely focus sometimes, and most of the time I just want to withdraw. So I do.

I’m trying to cut back on sugar and I’ve become conscious once again of that craving. It comforts me, it always has I believe. I remember a story, and a shadow of a memory. My parents once ran a small general store and restaurant. There were bins of hard candies for sale. In a dusk-lit corner of my memory I can see myself nearly twenty-years ago, standing on a chair snatching candy—round, cinnamon, wrapped. The story goes, “she could grab a piece, have it unwrapped and in her mouth before we’d even know what was happening.”

Tonight my head is pounding. I feel the furthest from grace. I feel stuck within my ick. For Arlo’s sake I’m try to be mindful of my diet. Actually, not for Arlo’s sake alone, truly, in our symbiosis, this is for my sake as well. It goes like this: no dairy, gluten, soy, eggs, tomatoes, avocados. Nothing overly processed, nothing loaded with sugar. Clean food. My body is screaming now.

The sugar is the hardest. Tonight, actually all day, I have just wanted chocolate. I don’t think its really chocolate though. I want comfort. But I don’t know how to open up and ask for it. Honestly, I don’t feel I have the energy to open up and be seen.  

I have been taking fish oil and evening primrose oil. I have been taking vitamin D. I have been brewing a tea composed of: dandelion root/leaf, burdock root, thistle seed, pau d’arco bark, red clover, nettles, and chamomile. Last night I made a salve containing these same properties to use on Arlo’s skin.

Raw, unpasteurized apple cider vinegar helps his condition. I put it in his bath water and he doesn’t mind it. He doesn’t like when I just give him a sponge bath though. The whole time I say over and over, I’m sorry. I use probiotics on his skin too, as well as giving them to him orally.

I really am trying, so hard. I am relying on my knowledge and intuition to get us through. I am riddled with self-doubt and guilt. The nature of our relationship being as such, I feel that this is my fault, my actions with my body have produced this effect in my son.

Along with the eczema his congestion is still present. And there are times he attacks his fingers like his gums are hurting. He seems so uncomfortable. He cries more, and I can hear the distress in his voice. I just want to fix it all.

This is so hard.

I feel broken.

And these feelings are inescapable. I’ve cut out so many distractions now I’m just stuck with myself, I wish I liked me more.  All I see are my shortcomings. Why can’t I be gentle with myself? How can I be gentle with myself?